'our state'

it doesnt matter whos in office.. if its bush, obama, or jesus fucking christ. we live in a police state and that will not change.

holy shit i guess im home?

tewnty nine sixty five with you and somewhere on i five. i want to be home. i want to have a home. a few more months and i will have a real home again.. two homes. we will go out again and we will begin the rest of our lives. i guess at this point im taking baby steps to where i want to be. i just fucking hate when the steps arent big enough.. when i feel too far away i hear someone say my name. i feel someone following me. fuck fuck. how can i rely on stabuility. right now at this second i have one thing but shes seven hours away and working. god damn it. i will be fine i just need to stick it out.. thats what she said.

zine no.2

i made a few zines so hit me up if you want one. also i just recorded 99 problems. its on my purevolume.

'why are we here?'

the first hardcore show i saw in denver was killing kings rebuild and some other local denver bands at sox place. i dont remember much about that show aside from loving rebuild and ever sense answering, "the music and the message," every time someone would ask "why are you here." it was a line form a killing kings son that i got stuck in my head and repeated every chance i got.. you know me you get how bad i am about that haha. i never thought much about a music in hardcore.. all i saw was dudes that were hard as fuck. on the surface hardcore was gigantic dudes 'dancing' super hard when a breakdown would kick and other mammoth dudes running back and forth across the 'pit' into my face the rest of the time. bands i saw would sing about 'repping their streets' and fighting everyone. i swear to go i heard, "step it up you faggot pussies! rep your scene!" seventeen times a band every show. being hard was happenin'! quickly i began hardcore bands in a larger spectrum. everyonw and then i would hear a line in a song or hear the singer of a band say something that would make me think. i liked it. i started getting off on people or bands challenging me to think and question. i had heard some of it before from listening to punk rock for years but was too young to care at that point. i was hearing people talk about about things my parents and authoritative figures wouldnt tell me if they knew. reluctant to change my thinking or give another way of thinking a shot i began to look at some of these issues and ideas. i thought if people felt strongly enough to dump all their money into being able to scream their throat raw every night it was worth a look. these people began to push me to examine many areas of my life and challenged me too look for my own things to care enough about to look into. the words "the music and the message," made so much more sense to me now.. man thats hella corny but its true. i learned that punk rock and hardcore arent for main stream people.. but for people looking for something more and that could see through all the shit. these people arent scared to challenge anyones thoughts or come up with their own. punk rock and hardcore is one of the places kids can turn when they decide they dont want to live the drone lives they are told to. we dont give a fuck about mtv, the oc, what fox news or cnn are telling us. without that vial we can look at things in a different light.. or as they really are.
lets side step for a second. on tv, on the radio, on the street, and where we eat we are told what to be, how to look, what to say. all fucking day people are shoving shit down our throats! .. fuck bitches in the club, wear these clothes, eat fast food, consume, consume, consume, believer whatever any authority figure tells you and most importantly DONT ASK QUESTIONS. fuck all that shit right?
okay, half a step back to where we were. we are punk and hardcore we are better than all that consumer shit, right? we dont need all that garbage.. we dont want it, right?
anyway, the more i became familiar with hardcore the more i saw all this awesome shit that made me think and work harder and educate myself. i wanted more. i dove deeper and deeper and became fairly surrounded with it. i would have never guessed what i found.. did you guess it? haha i began to see the shit we so boastfully talk so much shit about hating. i got the vibe there were kids who hated mtv and the government because they were told to. the ideals of punk and hardcore became a fucking fashion. turns out there are standards and hierarchy.. and fuck bitches and get paid was there too. we need 'croosh' clothes too! you better get some banging swag if you want to move up in calss.. without that fresh gear you wont get any respect. "your not into vinyl.. what a dork." god damn it became hard for me to keep all the shit i was supposed to be doing straight haha. i saw people 'dancing' super hard not because they were oumped but because thats what you are supposed to do. oh shit, and they would make fun of other kids cause they didnt have 'tight moves!' and christ the fucking politics! people seem, too often, to forget that we are a community not a fucking class war. we 'hate' establishment but we build our own. we fuck away our self respect and whore ourselves for 'status' in the 'scene.'
fuck all this consumer driven shit! fuck having to fit a mold! fuck this mini version of the mainstream! i sometimes find it easy to get wrapped up in being pissed at all of this hypocrisy. i hate the lack of heart, the consumption as opposed to support the profit, the hierarchy, the bullshit, blah blah blah.. but every now and then someone rolls around and renews my faith in what we have. i find people to remind me to get out of my own ass and cool it cause there are people who (you guessed it) give a shit about (oh man cue the triumphant music and cheesy lines) the music and the message. haha. i cant tell you how much it means to me to find these people. kids that work hard to put on shows out of their love for punk rock and hardcore not for recognition. kids that work toward building a community. kids that push others to learn and question. kids that dont give a fuck and see through the stupid dumbshit politics and everything else. i truly feel that the punk rock and hardcore community is incredibly important. the worlds bullshit doesnt have a foothold here. this is one of the few places that people dont listen to whatever they are told. if punk and hardcore loses its sense of community, lack of conspicuous consumption, caring, and fearlessness of authority there will be less people to fight against these things and spread a knowledge of them and encouragement to ask questions. it scares the shit out of me to think that something so so important could be lost to nikes and bullshit. i do, however, have faith that we are strong and have enough people that give a shit to remain strong. i know that its is something worth holding onto.
dont get me wrong in all of this i dotn think im the shit by any means haha.
i also dont think that all songs should be about social change.. i love hangout songs! i just just feel we have something important and it needs to remain.

party

this is that night again. i want to leave. i want to beat a hole in the ground and die in it. i want to use drugs to drown out my reality. all i want to do is talk but i dont have a fucking words to say. i dont have one fucking word to say. i want to make your pain go away but mine shuts me down. i hate myself for it. ive said it a million times before im useless, useless, i am so fucking useless.. shame shame shame shame on me. im so sick of this stupid fucking pity party i throw. i need to get over myself. i need to stop this stupid shit. god damnit.

more than behold night!

for real, tonight was amazing. BEHOLD BEHOLD BEHOLD. i fucking love these guys so fucking much. i can not tell you how much it means that i have these guys in my life. not only that they make the best music ever. go listen to them right now. not only were those dudes here but we got to hang out with rheah again. man i love that girl! that was the good part about tonight the second best thing about tonight is sense the behold guys were here we decided to call some kids and play in our basement. this was by far the funnest show ever! lucas drilled my head with his bass though and kinda broke it open. ha oh well it was amazing. i wish ashley was here real bad. anyay im gonna try to sleep again. be good and thanks to everyone in my life.

overit

its like a fucking tv party and im all thats on. why the fuck do people whom i have never really had a connection with that live more than a thousand miles form me give a shit about me. how much hate do they have that it spills over to me? ive made some choices. ive made good choices and bad choices.. how these impact people that i may never talk to again i will never get. get over yourself and get over me. we have varying beliefs i dont care and cant fathom why you do. odds are you will never see me again so why waste energy on hating who i am. i have a hard time with switching tenses.. wait its not tenses but you know what i mean i just did it like switching form 'they' to 'you'. ha anyway i dont get it.

this morning around 9:00

i have had an incredibly overwhelming day. this morning i woke up right after having a dream that my dad was going to kill himself. we were at some party with all of my family and tons of mine and my parents friends. i dont know what the party was for but my after it was over my dad was going to throw back a fist full of pills that i could see in his breast pocket. i understood where he was coming from but could not handle thinking about living without him. in the dream i remember walking up to him and saying 'hey' and beginning to cry. i wanted to convince him that he shouldnt kill himself but i couldnt begin to speak without tripping on the knot in my throat. i told him i loved him and his head fell and snapped back up.. i gathered that he was to high to have a conversation. he slurred something and fell forward into me. i began sobbing. he was so happy to die and my family was hurting so much even though we all understood where he was coming form. i wanted to tell my dad that i loved him and was not ready to live without him but he was too fucking high on pills to understand what i was saying. my mom was strong through it though.. she had to be strong for my sister and me.. i knew in the dream that the only way she could cope in anyway with my dads suicide was knowing that she too would follow him shortly after. i woke up feeling like shit. my chest is still tight form it and other things. i love my dad.

..set on kennewick. another

ive had some long nights. nights that turn into days. ive seen the mornings light far too many times. nights have lasted days. those days turned into months.. then the day breaks with the suns rays. i am forced to live out the following days. those days have lasted months. those months have lasted years.. and i have to face what i brought on.. excuse me the shit ive made. its been said that endless nights bring on endless days. i guess i chose to learn this my own way. right now i want just a day that ends before the sun. without a reminder of the night before.. regretting everything i have done. i want to be sleeping. i wish i was dreaming. dreams dont hold regret. regret is holding me. i just wish my nights would end. i never want to see the sun come up again.

controtiction, mine

weve all been lied to. i dont know if i want to write this. i dont want to feel it.. i dont want to remember it. it takes no more than a an absent mind for half a second to reveal a truth. with a slip of ones fingers they expose themselves. i knew it too well. they told me the lies i wanted to hear. i didnt want to know the truth. feed me the shit i want to taste. i made a habit of letting that happen over and again. i saw what i wanted to see. i looked at the picture in front of the face cause it was easier than knowing the truth. fuck.

bonnie ave

chasing the daylight grasping for time. twenty five is when i will end my life. i will get a fist full of pills that i plan to ingest.. but wait let me explain before i tell you the rest. its not because of my mental health. i dont want the attention and i dont want help. its not because of my self loathing or that you would all better off.. even though you would. i think about it alot. it is just.

tunes of mine

i have so much faith in you.

cops

at what point is it worth standing up for what is right and going home at night?

aingsty

[this blog has been removed]

set on kennewick

a sunset resting on my shoulders, so quickly, becomes a sunrise over kennewick with another day to follow soon after. how much can be expected of a kid? we set our sails and pray for a cooperating wind. i rising sun will be the end of my day till i grow enough to know better. luck of children will get me by. i wish the sun would never come up on this town.

susan b.

'go too fast and lose control.' wow, it has been somewhere around five years or so sense my grand ma died. susan. i loved her so much. i learned so much about the world and myself from this spacy loving woman. she made me feel safe.. not only did i feel it, i was safe. she loved me. she didnt care if i went to college or even finished high school. she didnt care what i did she love me and was incredibly prod of me. my grand ma sue was one of my best friends rivaled only by my sister. i could always make them laugh. i miss making her laugh. i miss playing mastermind with her. i miss finally getting my license and having the freedom to go over to her home as often as i wanted to. you could hear trains pass near by from the room of her clifton home. when she was sixty five her lugs began to give up. they never worked as hard as they should have and decided they had had enough. she moved to an assisted living home and was given a matter of days to live. family rushed to colorado from all over california and arizona. we all got it. i was told she look like shit. my beautiful grand ma was going to die and was showing of it. she was weak and relied on machines and pills to shoulder the weight of her last ounce of life. she was never a 'fighter.' i hated the idea of seeing one of the most beautiful women i had ever seen reduced to a frail fragment of what she was. i did not want to see her like that. i wanted to keep the memory of her laughing and enjoying my company. i did not want to see her die. i had to fight my parents and other family members to preserve a positive memory of my soon to die grand mother. one day my mom called me begging me join my family and my grand ma sues side. after putting up the fight of my life guilt and my mothers words got the best of me. i was about to shader the image i wanted nothing more than to preserve. i got my keys and left the front door of my house open as i headed for my car. after sitting im my shitty nineteen eighty nine cadillac for a half hour or so i turned the engine over, turned left on broken spoke, then right and headed down paterson. i could barely see through the tears in my eyes. i felt so desperate. my chest was so tight. i was scared. shit. i couldnt breath. the further i got from my home the worse the anxiety was. when i could muster a breath i would expel it screaming. my chest got so tight. my stomach was in knots. i became more and more desperate with every rotation of my tires. my mind was racing. i was sobbing and fighting hyperventilating. i started to let my eyes close. i flirted with the idea of letting anything happen. my chest grew tighter. i couldnt gather a breath. i saw cars stopped ahead of me but did not remove my foot form the execrator. i didnt care about anything. i dint care what happened to me. i removed my seat belt and braced for impact. i closed my eyes. i couldnt hear or feel anything. after what felt like forever.. crash. my heart was beating so fast. i knew what happened but i could not comprehend it. after some time of being yelled at by the owner of the truck that now had a radiator wrapped around his tow hitch i got out and walked around the two entangled vehicles until i could not cry any more. i had evaded destroying the memory of a beautiful laughing woman that i loved. two days later a little after nine oclock in the morning my dad was at my grand mas house watching an audry hepburn film. after it ended my dad stood up to take the tape out and commented on how pretty miss hepbern was.. my grand mother did not respond. she was gone. he held her hand and told her that he loved her and felt one tear fall on each one of his cheeks. i dont know if i made the right or wrong decision not to see her before she died. i miss her. i always think of her laughing. i miss her.

this is

us at rays

trigh c

I hate this town more than I could have ever imagined. The songs make it bearable but the kids make it a pleasure. I love them.. I love you. This isn't my home, with you is.

susan

i only have two keys hanging form my belt. one holds no importance the others to my grand mas house. unnecessary and loud. i guess its a lot like me. ill always keep her key close and without need. she always locked her door. she never needed to in a home with no one that she couldnt trust. i wish that i was there more. so now ill keep her key. it was just her second nature. i wish that she was here. god damn it i fucking miss her.

weare the botton

look ant see. look to youreself and look to me. care thats all i ask. im screaming and my throat is wearing thin. was there nothing that you could do. at what what point would you say that you didnt care about the words that fell from between your teeth that made it harder for us to breath. how does it feel knowing this town shall perish and its gonna be because of you. you didnt light the match but you alone constructed the fuse. i hope your happy cause everyone is looking at you.

i hate the smiths.

names fall from your mouth like rain on the coast. names and labels. youll come pretty close but you wont find shit not here. you can talk talk talk with your finger tips. hold your breath that you wont get caught. you wouldnt want that here. turn up the lights forget our names were all just kids. theres no one here. cross your legs and close your mouth we dont care who youve fucked. theres no one here. drop your names and expose yourself. your you fucking die for this. theres no one here. turn up the lights turn up the lighs we want to see how cool you are. theres no one here. sing one song for the rest of your life one that you dont really like one that you dont understand. by this you breath and die. names and labels.

blue bridge.

i know this breath could be my last one. i could take two steps and this could be done. i want to jump i want to jump. but i wont fuck i made a promise. wo knew this promise would be so hard to keep. im sinking fast and i just wish that you would all come and join me. this could all end but ill stay here too keep this feeling of riding with you in this season. lets fill our hearts or fill our lungs. i will not leap unless youre all with me. i will not leave. fuck this bridge lets burn it down we need to keep our word. i wish that i could keep this a secret but i trust youve pitched all yours. lets fill our lungs or fill our hearts.

awkward april

eighteen months and sixteen days hating the words that you say. you wont let up over and out. i hate your tone and what you talk about. its been over a year with no letting up. i just wish you gave a fuck. i wont shit up im gonna shout. youre gonna heat what i think now. the word desperate comes to mind. your selfishness and all my time. one million thoughts in just seconds. empty pages a clear mind. ill be so god damned fucking loud and when i look back at the end of the day im hating every single word that you say. eighteen months and now seventeen days. this wont go away. eighteen months and now eighteen days. this wont go away. eighteen months and now nineteen days. eighteen months and now twenty fucking days. cleaver gestures and well thought out replies. i havent been home sense twenty nine sixty five. we are so fucked up. we are so fucked up. we are so fucked up. we are so fucked up. so god damn fucked up.you made us this way bitter and jealous at the age of nineteen. you used us now we use them. we are so fucked up. theres a pressure on my chest and a knot in my throat all of the time. we are so fucked up. so god damn fucked up. fucked up.

filling up his arms with flowers

four nights in a row i want nothing more than to go to bed with an exception of what is too far away. im the happy kid. im. i think to god damned fast. so much is coming up. portland soon, touring, colorado with ashley, recording.. fuck. the only words i can ever think of are the dumbest. ive been thinking so much about dandelions lately. i love the thought of some one seeing someones heart; where they are coming from and not what they give. a child giving a mother weeds is beautiful in my eyes. i used to make toast with my little sister amy for my parents.. it was the most god awful tasting thing she can recall ingesting but she did because we made then to the best of our abilities and out of love. i wish so much people could see my love through my mistakes and fucked up outcomes. lucas, last night, said if you deny it it didnt happen. have i been doing this with this longing for sleep.. not wanting to hangout with loved ones.. hating myself? fuck. i have the worst addictions. i am fucking useless. i have this image in my head of the walls in my room filling with water. i know they are filling but i "think positive and dont worry about it," but that doesnt stop them from filling. soon, they will collapse from the weight of the water and the shitty wood this house was built with. fuck.

tention tention tention

it's the clever jokes filled with meaning that fucking kill me. i wish we would talk like we so boastfully say we do. i believe this tension could dissipate with words that lead to an understanding or a change.

mmm so nice

i'm in so so much trouble. so so so worth it. i am 15 at 2965. summer is coming winter is on my heals. i wish i could excuse or hide this smile for just a second but there's no hiding how good this feels. where did this come from? i am 15 at 2965; its a feeling i can't describe.

sleeping

beggining of susan

006

right now i miss nothing more than finding my love of riding in spring on fifteenth street in denver. summer coming at me and winter on my heels is no better way to find my number one. the summer on the horizon was rough and the fall to follow worse but nothing mattered when i was on my raleigh. riding the speer trails all day and again at night then having to trek back to thirtieth avenue. i miss my streets. i miss finding traffic for the first time going down seventeenth and ridding down twentieth to go to common grounds. i miss the unforgiving busses and the light rail. the pace of spring downtown is unmatched by anything ive had followed closely by the frigid water of the platt river running around my feet. getting off work and riding down lincoln and was unmatched even when i would be hassled by the cops. the left turn through the light on colfax followed by the transition on to fifteenth with the sun setting is the best feeling ive ever had. i miss it. it was the best feeling i have had. i miss it. i miss it. i miss it.

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