overit

its like a fucking tv party and im all thats on. why the fuck do people whom i have never really had a connection with that live more than a thousand miles form me give a shit about me. how much hate do they have that it spills over to me? ive made some choices. ive made good choices and bad choices.. how these impact people that i may never talk to again i will never get. get over yourself and get over me. we have varying beliefs i dont care and cant fathom why you do. odds are you will never see me again so why waste energy on hating who i am. i have a hard time with switching tenses.. wait its not tenses but you know what i mean i just did it like switching form 'they' to 'you'. ha anyway i dont get it.

this morning around 9:00

i have had an incredibly overwhelming day. this morning i woke up right after having a dream that my dad was going to kill himself. we were at some party with all of my family and tons of mine and my parents friends. i dont know what the party was for but my after it was over my dad was going to throw back a fist full of pills that i could see in his breast pocket. i understood where he was coming from but could not handle thinking about living without him. in the dream i remember walking up to him and saying 'hey' and beginning to cry. i wanted to convince him that he shouldnt kill himself but i couldnt begin to speak without tripping on the knot in my throat. i told him i loved him and his head fell and snapped back up.. i gathered that he was to high to have a conversation. he slurred something and fell forward into me. i began sobbing. he was so happy to die and my family was hurting so much even though we all understood where he was coming form. i wanted to tell my dad that i loved him and was not ready to live without him but he was too fucking high on pills to understand what i was saying. my mom was strong through it though.. she had to be strong for my sister and me.. i knew in the dream that the only way she could cope in anyway with my dads suicide was knowing that she too would follow him shortly after. i woke up feeling like shit. my chest is still tight form it and other things. i love my dad.

..set on kennewick. another

ive had some long nights. nights that turn into days. ive seen the mornings light far too many times. nights have lasted days. those days turned into months.. then the day breaks with the suns rays. i am forced to live out the following days. those days have lasted months. those months have lasted years.. and i have to face what i brought on.. excuse me the shit ive made. its been said that endless nights bring on endless days. i guess i chose to learn this my own way. right now i want just a day that ends before the sun. without a reminder of the night before.. regretting everything i have done. i want to be sleeping. i wish i was dreaming. dreams dont hold regret. regret is holding me. i just wish my nights would end. i never want to see the sun come up again.