this morning around 9:00

i have had an incredibly overwhelming day. this morning i woke up right after having a dream that my dad was going to kill himself. we were at some party with all of my family and tons of mine and my parents friends. i dont know what the party was for but my after it was over my dad was going to throw back a fist full of pills that i could see in his breast pocket. i understood where he was coming from but could not handle thinking about living without him. in the dream i remember walking up to him and saying 'hey' and beginning to cry. i wanted to convince him that he shouldnt kill himself but i couldnt begin to speak without tripping on the knot in my throat. i told him i loved him and his head fell and snapped back up.. i gathered that he was to high to have a conversation. he slurred something and fell forward into me. i began sobbing. he was so happy to die and my family was hurting so much even though we all understood where he was coming form. i wanted to tell my dad that i loved him and was not ready to live without him but he was too fucking high on pills to understand what i was saying. my mom was strong through it though.. she had to be strong for my sister and me.. i knew in the dream that the only way she could cope in anyway with my dads suicide was knowing that she too would follow him shortly after. i woke up feeling like shit. my chest is still tight form it and other things. i love my dad.