zine no.3

let me know if you want one.

fingers crossed and the lights off.

remembering dreams fucking sucks. things are about to get back on track.. until then its voicemail and drugs. shit i cant wait for summer and the road.

this morning around 9:00

i have had an incredibly overwhelming day. this morning i woke up right after having a dream that my dad was going to kill himself. we were at some party with all of my family and tons of mine and my parents friends. i dont know what the party was for but my after it was over my dad was going to throw back a fist full of pills that i could see in his breast pocket. i understood where he was coming from but could not handle thinking about living without him. in the dream i remember walking up to him and saying 'hey' and beginning to cry. i wanted to convince him that he shouldnt kill himself but i couldnt begin to speak without tripping on the knot in my throat. i told him i loved him and his head fell and snapped back up.. i gathered that he was to high to have a conversation. he slurred something and fell forward into me. i began sobbing. he was so happy to die and my family was hurting so much even though we all understood where he was coming form. i wanted to tell my dad that i loved him and was not ready to live without him but he was too fucking high on pills to understand what i was saying. my mom was strong through it though.. she had to be strong for my sister and me.. i knew in the dream that the only way she could cope in anyway with my dads suicide was knowing that she too would follow him shortly after. i woke up feeling like shit. my chest is still tight form it and other things. i love my dad.

sleeping

.XI

i have spent so many nights and sleepless days wanting to meet my maker.. with fingers crossed and the lights off. i find myself so many days trying to find myself behind all the shit you have set out in front of me. i don't recognize my own face. i'm sinking my own shit. i hope i'm ready to go down. these pictures feel so much like mirrors i would love to break. i've spent so many days trying to find somewhere to go, but nope. it is not yet my time. i want to run and hide because this night wont end and all i want is to sleep. when i sleep i cant be scared and i know that i cant be seen. i was created and i can be destroyed.. i just hope this time will come soon.