i've got five on it.

"when will 'my country' die for me?"
no one has ever died for me.
no soldiers.
"when will 'my country' die for me?"
no one has ever died.
no saviors.

i don't give a shit,
my home is where i am,
you can take your worthless papers and set them on fire.
i don't fucking care
just who you think you are,
we have never met and,
i am. i am god, i am thee.

we found a witch, may we burn her? 6.66

your a patriot. your a sucker. you're a god fearing motherfucker. nine to five. strong on your side. cashing 'hella checks' keeps you feeling alive. who draws these shifting lines we are sold to bow down to? you're secure in your numbers. we're secure in your clock. rejoice, oh rejoice in our heresy. so praise your god part the sea. look the other way while you pray for me. do you think god can smell the cigarettes as he slowly kissing my neck? in this crusade we will die too. eat skin and piss with all parts in between. collect in excess the things that we need. no mater how much we know. no mater how much we know. ah shit, it doesnt matter. it'll never matter. i cannot understand how you cant see through this. i cannot understand. i'll never understand. no time. no option. no escape form your war. we are debts on your fathers. with our faces on the floor. in this fleeting present. i can see through this. uniforms, a disguise. fuck your flag. it's what were told. it's what we know. it's what we believe so. praise your gods and part the sea. i'll tell you what dont even pray for me. eat skin and piss and all parts in between. success, success is everything. in this crusade we will die too. rejoice oh rejoice in our heresy. oh well. oh well.

we found a witch, may we burn her?

all we are is politics
dumbshits and their presidents
stories of gods and money, leaders and lies
no matter how much we know
theres no where for us to go
save the witches
do think that god can smell the cigarettes
as he as slowly kisses my neck
eat skin and piss and all parts in between
praise your god and part the sea
its my decision if i want to live anymore
i could spread my brain
all over this floor
save the witches
in this crusade we will die too

What plagues us.

The hardest part of the last five, or so, years has been the changing of my beliefs as i grow up. When you find out there are no magic characters giving you presents in the middle of the night it's hard to know what is real and what is a lie form your parents. That feeling of not knowing what is a lie and what is 'real' never goes away I guess. when I was fifteen i questioned god. when i was eighteen i had no faith in any god or religion. am i a shitty person.. a sellout?
my mom always told me to follow thoughts all the way though. what i mean is, we cant let our thoughts, or beliefs, rather, be surface level. anyway i applied this idea to all of my beliefs and realized i didn't really have a strong connection to a lot of things, including straight edge. when i was younger.. probably fifteen of sixteen, i was always in trouble. no shit, i was always fucking grounded. anyway one day i got sick of being in trouble with my parents so i made a decision to 'just be good.' i told my cousin nate about it and when i told him i was done smoking, drinking, and taking drugs he told me 'oh, so your straight edge.' that was how it all began. it was a nice ride too. it probably kept me out of trouble and focused on school.. haha yeah right, but i do believe it was a very important part of my life and good for me. well, years later i was thinking sxe all the way through and sort of realized i didn't have a passion for it anymore.. i didn't really care at all. i made the decision i was gonna drop the title and move on with life. i lost a lot of friends..

im breathing in deeper. your still listening. i can hear you breathing on the other end of the line. im breathing in deeper. your still listening. i can hear you breathing on the other side of the wall. you cant stand the shit that rolls off my tongue. you shit on your friends and you fuck, fuck, everyone. im not edge, ive grown up a bit. its a little different but who gives a shit? why are you looking? why would anyone care? why are you looking? why? who are you? shit who am i? you think your jesus fucking christ. shit who am i? breathing in deeper. your still listening. the floor is fucking moving and im still not fitting in. maybe it was something more. ill burry my head to forget all of this shit.

coming down has proven hard from chairs stacked high but i'm not looking very far. we're both so quick to look down form our stack, but we'll never ever see the shit thats on our own back. save your breath don't waste it on me. shit, look around we're all you'll see. we'll send each other to hell till theres nothing left. its the same smoke that fills both of our chests. i breath in deep. i close my eyes. i want to find two nine six five. i want to be dreaming. dreams dont hold regret. regret is holding me. ill never open my eyes again i never want to see. i want to be deaming of home.

often, i think, 'if i didn't add the label to not drinking i might not of lost those friends.' labels are a weird thing like that. i think the straight edge label is an extraordinarily powerful one. if you are edge you get to say, 'fuck all every one who drinks!' ha it's a power i do not understand. one, why do straight edge bands have the golden pass to talk shit about anyone who drinks or smokes or whatever? two, why would they want to? i, now, think straight edge can be as harmful as some one consuming drugs or alcohol. bottom line neither matter and i think we should work together. we are all humyns and need to remember it. we need to follow thoughts all the way through. learning and growing should not be condemned. i followed my dislike for marijuana all the way through and realized i didn't have anything solid to base hate on (p.s. you should look into the prohibition of marijuana. the documentaries "grass," "the union" and "high" are all a good watch and have great information). i'm my mind its amazing that i learned and grew.. in some poison free minds i sold out. whatever though i guess. they can choose to throw me aside based on a positive decision. we are all trying our best.

oh tacoma

last night sucked. cigarettes and sidekicks won last night ha. shit shows and circle jerks isnt the best way to get going but it leaves all the room in the world for things to get better.
-yours,
a flash in the pan

DONE!!

doc.111 is finished! thanks D Wreck and everyone that helped us out and or sang on the record. this was the most fun i have ever ad recording. thank you.

zine no.3

let me know if you want one.

what am i doing?

fuck fuck fuck i need to be playing shows.

fingers crossed and the lights off.

remembering dreams fucking sucks. things are about to get back on track.. until then its voicemail and drugs. shit i cant wait for summer and the road.

january sixteenth

i left denver one year ago today to come up north.

you've said it. i've said it.

coming down has proven hard.. from chairs stacked high but i'm not looking very far. we're both so quick to look down form our stack, but we'll never ever see the shit thats on our own back. save your breath don't waste it on me. look to your left more of the same is all you'll see. were no better than the rest. its the same smoke that lies in both of our chests. i breath in deep. i close my eyes. i just want to find two nine six five.

*we are all fuck ups. no one has any right to be a dick to some one because they don't agree with the mistakes they are making. we all get bored, we all get tired, we all get angry, we all get lonely, we all get angsty, we are all looking for something, we are all trying to find ourselves, we all want to know where to go and what to do. we all go about filling our voids in different ways. i wish we all [including me] could not be dicks about the way our loved ones deal with what we are all are going through.

**this is not about anyone one, two, or three people so don't be a dork and get pissed off haha

holy shit i guess im home?

tewnty nine sixty five with you and somewhere on i five. i want to be home. i want to have a home. a few more months and i will have a real home again.. two homes. we will go out again and we will begin the rest of our lives. i guess at this point im taking baby steps to where i want to be. i just fucking hate when the steps arent big enough.. when i feel too far away i hear someone say my name. i feel someone following me. fuck fuck. how can i rely on stabuility. right now at this second i have one thing but shes seven hours away and working. god damn it. i will be fine i just need to stick it out.. thats what she said.

more than behold night!

for real, tonight was amazing. BEHOLD BEHOLD BEHOLD. i fucking love these guys so fucking much. i can not tell you how much it means that i have these guys in my life. not only that they make the best music ever. go listen to them right now. not only were those dudes here but we got to hang out with rheah again. man i love that girl! that was the good part about tonight the second best thing about tonight is sense the behold guys were here we decided to call some kids and play in our basement. this was by far the funnest show ever! lucas drilled my head with his bass though and kinda broke it open. ha oh well it was amazing. i wish ashley was here real bad. anyay im gonna try to sleep again. be good and thanks to everyone in my life.

..set on kennewick. another

ive had some long nights. nights that turn into days. ive seen the mornings light far too many times. nights have lasted days. those days turned into months.. then the day breaks with the suns rays. i am forced to live out the following days. those days have lasted months. those months have lasted years.. and i have to face what i brought on.. excuse me the shit ive made. its been said that endless nights bring on endless days. i guess i chose to learn this my own way. right now i want just a day that ends before the sun. without a reminder of the night before.. regretting everything i have done. i want to be sleeping. i wish i was dreaming. dreams dont hold regret. regret is holding me. i just wish my nights would end. i never want to see the sun come up again.

bonnie ave

chasing the daylight grasping for time. twenty five is when i will end my life. i will get a fist full of pills that i plan to ingest.. but wait let me explain before i tell you the rest. its not because of my mental health. i dont want the attention and i dont want help. its not because of my self loathing or that you would all better off.. even though you would. i think about it alot. it is just.

set on kennewick

a sunset resting on my shoulders, so quickly, becomes a sunrise over kennewick with another day to follow soon after. how much can be expected of a kid? we set our sails and pray for a cooperating wind. i rising sun will be the end of my day till i grow enough to know better. luck of children will get me by. i wish the sun would never come up on this town.

susan b.

'go too fast and lose control.' wow, it has been somewhere around five years or so sense my grand ma died. susan. i loved her so much. i learned so much about the world and myself from this spacy loving woman. she made me feel safe.. not only did i feel it, i was safe. she loved me. she didnt care if i went to college or even finished high school. she didnt care what i did she love me and was incredibly prod of me. my grand ma sue was one of my best friends rivaled only by my sister. i could always make them laugh. i miss making her laugh. i miss playing mastermind with her. i miss finally getting my license and having the freedom to go over to her home as often as i wanted to. you could hear trains pass near by from the room of her clifton home. when she was sixty five her lugs began to give up. they never worked as hard as they should have and decided they had had enough. she moved to an assisted living home and was given a matter of days to live. family rushed to colorado from all over california and arizona. we all got it. i was told she look like shit. my beautiful grand ma was going to die and was showing of it. she was weak and relied on machines and pills to shoulder the weight of her last ounce of life. she was never a 'fighter.' i hated the idea of seeing one of the most beautiful women i had ever seen reduced to a frail fragment of what she was. i did not want to see her like that. i wanted to keep the memory of her laughing and enjoying my company. i did not want to see her die. i had to fight my parents and other family members to preserve a positive memory of my soon to die grand mother. one day my mom called me begging me join my family and my grand ma sues side. after putting up the fight of my life guilt and my mothers words got the best of me. i was about to shader the image i wanted nothing more than to preserve. i got my keys and left the front door of my house open as i headed for my car. after sitting im my shitty nineteen eighty nine cadillac for a half hour or so i turned the engine over, turned left on broken spoke, then right and headed down paterson. i could barely see through the tears in my eyes. i felt so desperate. my chest was so tight. i was scared. shit. i couldnt breath. the further i got from my home the worse the anxiety was. when i could muster a breath i would expel it screaming. my chest got so tight. my stomach was in knots. i became more and more desperate with every rotation of my tires. my mind was racing. i was sobbing and fighting hyperventilating. i started to let my eyes close. i flirted with the idea of letting anything happen. my chest grew tighter. i couldnt gather a breath. i saw cars stopped ahead of me but did not remove my foot form the execrator. i didnt care about anything. i dint care what happened to me. i removed my seat belt and braced for impact. i closed my eyes. i couldnt hear or feel anything. after what felt like forever.. crash. my heart was beating so fast. i knew what happened but i could not comprehend it. after some time of being yelled at by the owner of the truck that now had a radiator wrapped around his tow hitch i got out and walked around the two entangled vehicles until i could not cry any more. i had evaded destroying the memory of a beautiful laughing woman that i loved. two days later a little after nine oclock in the morning my dad was at my grand mas house watching an audry hepburn film. after it ended my dad stood up to take the tape out and commented on how pretty miss hepbern was.. my grand mother did not respond. she was gone. he held her hand and told her that he loved her and felt one tear fall on each one of his cheeks. i dont know if i made the right or wrong decision not to see her before she died. i miss her. i always think of her laughing. i miss her.

this is

us at rays

trigh c

I hate this town more than I could have ever imagined. The songs make it bearable but the kids make it a pleasure. I love them.. I love you. This isn't my home, with you is.

susan

i only have two keys hanging form my belt. one holds no importance the others to my grand mas house. unnecessary and loud. i guess its a lot like me. ill always keep her key close and without need. she always locked her door. she never needed to in a home with no one that she couldnt trust. i wish that i was there more. so now ill keep her key. it was just her second nature. i wish that she was here. god damn it i fucking miss her.